The Commandments of Fandom

“The Gods of Baseball delivered unto me two tablets of stone written with the bat of Ruth; and on them was written according to all the words, which the Gods of Baseball spake with you on the mound out of the midst of the fire in the day of the assembly.”

That’s right, folks! The spirits of the National Pastime have passed down to me the Commandments of Fandom, that I mayest teach them. Lo:

(1) Baseball is the Game thy Pastime; thou shalt have no other games before Baseball

(2) Thou shalt love Baseball above all teams

(3) Thou shalt honor Baseball’s history and traditions

(4) Thou shalt sustain Baseball’s welfare and perpetuity

(5) Thou shalt take a team, and, once taken, this team shall remain thine forever

(6) Thou shalt loathe the Yankees of the present; thou mayest acknowledge Yankees past

(7) Thou shalt remember thy baseball park, to attend when possible

(8) Thou shalt pursue quantifiable truth and intellectual honesty in thy fandom

(9) Thou shalt revel in The Pastime’s drama and elegance

(10) Remember: Thou shalt loathe the Yankees

Introducing: The Fellatio Coefficient

The Fellatio Coefficient

The Fellatio Coefficient is a mechanism designed to objectively and quantifiably measure one's skill in the art of fellatio. It was designed contemplating the following guidelines and philosophies, which present both the letter and spirit of the rule:

1. Definitions

(a) Attractiveness: The alluring and arousing quality of a fellator, whether physical or otherwise

(b) Fellatio: The act of oral sex on a male, including other acts naturally linked to that act and performed in conjunction with that act, but necessarily excluding intercourse

(c) Fellator: The person performing fellatio (also, the “assessed”)

(b) Orgasm: Sexual climax (also, to “finish,” “ejaculate”)

(e) Recipient: The person receiving fellatio (also, the “assessor”)

(f) Refusal: Indicates a would-be fellator’s unwillingness to perform fellatio. This should not be interpreted as a response to any force or coercion; the fellatio coefficient, law, and morality all oppose sexual assault.

(g) Response: The fellator’s system of permissions and reaction to the recipient’s orgasm

(h) Spontaneity: Willingness and eagerness to independently and of individual accord initiate fellatio under given circumstances

2. On fellatio generally

(a) Users of the fellatio coefficient may consider its importance self-evident. These criteria do not purport to assert or deny the value of oral sex or any other activity, nor to imply its worth in sexual relationships.

(b) Fellatio is an inherently subjective act, enjoyed uniquely between each fellator-recipient couple. It is impossible to discourse on the subject with absolute objectivity, as each recipient’s demands and each fellator’s talents will interact differently with everyone. That said, the fellatio coefficient posits that certain estimations can offer a useful referential tool.

Awesome Band Names...

...all of them derived from judicial decisions and legal terminology.

1. Spitefence
2. Smuggleplane
3. The Small Fruits
4. The Possession of Booty
5. Lodowick Post
6. The Pernicious Quadrupeds
7. The Saucy Interlopers
8. Lex Marcatoria
9. The Officious Inter-meddlers
10. Fruits and Instrumentalities

Rules for Spin the Bottle

The following are rules for a game of Spin the Bottle, to be played in adult company. They were composed in contemplation of several important factors:

• Maximizing enjoyment for everyone--not only in the sense of permitting people to kiss other people freely, but also in the sense of providing for a compelling game
• Inclusion (meaning anybody's presence--regardless of attractiveness, kissability, or any other characteristic--offers advantages to the overall gameplay, making everyone a desirable player)
• Comprehensive coverage (beginning-to-end instructions; no loopholes)
• Order of operation (meaning that, while the rules should be read in their entirety first, they are presented more or less in the order they become relevant)
• Prior knowledge (that is, I assume you understand that the basic premise of spin the bottle is as follows: A group of people sit in a circle and take turns spinning an empty bottle. The person toward whom the bottle, once spun, points, receives a kiss from the spinner, and then the next spinner takes a turn, etc.).