LongoLongo

Takes a special sort of person to get all of this one...

From: Happy hour invitations I once sent; redacted

A Page From My Upcoming Epistolary Novel, The 42^nd of March

knew I should have eaten breakfast this morning!”

            But it was too late, and as she bled out in his arms, he fixed his gaze on the weeping heavens and unleashed a scream of primal, bestial rage—a howl that made Eggos the world over shrink back into the primordial ooze of their rued origin. Dropping Mathilda’s limp, syrup-soaked corpse into the bubbling magma of Mt. Dracula’s mean-glowing crater, he whispered after her a final, soft goodbye: “You were the best cat a lonely old bounty hunter could ever ask for!”

            There was no time to mourn the newly de-zombified re-dead, however. Commander Parsley tugged the rope ladder, and climbed it even as it ascended back into the zeppelin’s belly. Covered in blood, soot, and pancake batter, he stood to face his mutinous crew.

            “You’ve grown sof—” began Oregano, before his head exploded under the pressure of Parsley’s glare. A moment later they had laid in a course for Williamsburg. The Dirigible puttered into the sunset, floating above the clouds exactly the way a piano forte wouldn’t. Settling himself into the captain’s love seat and producing from a garter strap underneath his dress a tin of cocaine, the Commander began the healing process on all the right feet.

            “Commander Parsley, sir!” cried Ensign Peppercorn from the helm, “incoming message!” Peppercorn regarded the captain cautiously. “It’s Dr. Professor, sir.”

            Parsley guffawed the hearty guffaw of a puffin on so much acid, and tottered off the bridge brushing his teeth.

            “I’ll take this one in my quarters, Ensign. You have the bridge, Lieutenant!” he said to nobody in particular.

            Outside the door to the commander’s quarters, Parsley stopped suddenly. Everything was wrong: the door was ajar, the lights were turned low (Parsley was afraid of the dark), and steam billowed from the bathroom, were the tinkling of a woman’s singing voice could be heard over the shower’s rush.

            “Hey, I just met youuuu…”

            Parsley crept to the bathroom door and peered through the unclosed doorway at the clouded mirror, where the message “You are not barren” was scrawled in lipstick, just as he had left it that morning. Comforted, he proceeded.

            “And this is craaaaaazyy…”

            The Commander approached the shower slowly, giving lascivious, intent attention to the silhouette writhing jarringly behind the foggy frosted fortified glass.

            “But here’s my number…”

            “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE!?” shrieked Parsley, diving through the glass. Then the following things happened in slow motion as an operatic melody played:

-Commander Parsley’s eyes widened as he realized that the showering silhouette was, in fact, none other than his devilishly attractive nemesis Dr. Professor.

-The Dirigible arrived at [-], on [-], at 5:00PM.

“What took you so long, Parsley my dear?” cooed the professor.

“Forgive me muffin,” he murmured, tonguing her. “I got caught up in something sexy.”

Hesitating then no longer, he disrobed--and also undressed--violently, revealing heaps and piles of rippling, undulating

From The Series "Through A Symposium, Inattentive": Personality Epigrams

The following were written during a symposium I was forced to attend but in which I had no interest whatsoever. The following is of low quality.


It can't be said that T-- doesn't contribute meaningfully to society; indeed, his exploration of the depths of the Friend Zone rivals the travails of noted sojourners in its intrepidity, and even surpasses them in sheer sexual frustration.

I would never suggest that A-- lacks the intellect necessary to debate civil polemics; on the contrary, her capacity to insulate her arguments from most relevant policy and factual considerations suggest great mental fortitude!

To say M-- possesses a gift for the lascivious would do him a great injustice; his descent into the profane is so complete and profound that I fear the proverbial gutter cleaner that would withdraw him.

To suggest that T-- is a total asshole injures the real caliber of his distastefulness; any victim of his infamous "parting shots" knows his boundless gift for abrasion.

While C--'s cuteness is immune to all doubt, it is equally certain that this virtue--i.e., her cuteness--this virtue serves no purpose more than to enable her vice.

From The Series "Through A Symposium, Inattentive": The Drunkest Scholar At The Symposium

The following were written during a symposium I was forced to attend but in which I had no interest whatsoever. The following is of low quality.

In particular, these refer to an esteemed scholar who offered a voice of dissent to the conference's general tune. While I largely agreed with his position, his affect and appearance made him seem something less than sober. He also bore a strong resemblance to the Most Interesting Man in the World, of Dos Equis advertising fame.

I drew pictures, too, but I will spare you those.


"I don't always talk about environmental renewal litigation, but when I do, I make sure to tell a room full of the people who support it that it's not economically realistic."

"I don't always show up to symposia drunk, but when I do, I don't shower first."

"I don't always show up to symposia drunk, but when I do, I sext under the table."

"I don't always show up to symposia clothed, but when I do, my clothes are badly stained."

"I don't always show up to symposia drunk, but when I do, I accuse environmental advocates of creating the largest obstacles to their own projects."

"I don't always show up to symposia drunk, but when I do,  I make fun of my colleagues' names."

From The Series "Through A Symposium, Inattentive": Baseball Haiku

The following were written during a symposium I was forced to attend but in which I had no interest whatsoever. The following is of low quality.


A Haiku for Aroldis Chapman

Glaring through my face
Fanning guys with fireballs
Scares me very much


A Haiku for Jonathan Schoop

High hopes for this kid
Please be good at second, please?
Please please please please please?


A Haiku for Kris Medlen

Hot stuff last year, pal!
I wonder if you'll repeat?
Rooting for you, bud!

From The Series "Through A Symposium, Inattentive": Baseball Limericks

The following were written during a symposium I was forced to attend but in which I had no interest whatsoever. The following is of low quality.


A Limerick for Jake Arrieta

There was once a pitcher named Jake
Who wouldn't give Os fans a break.
One day he's lights-out,
The next it's a rout!
When hitters get on him, they rake!


A Limerick for Roberto Alomar

There once was a 2B named Robby,
Disliked by the umpires' lobby.
He played well all the same,
Got his piece of sports Fame.
When I look at BRob I get sobby.


A Limerick for Bobby Bonilla

There once was a guy named Bonilla.
Back in 2001, he said "See ya!"
While he split with the Mets,
He still cashes their checks--
What a deal! You'd have to agree, huh?

The Commandments of Fandom

“The Gods of Baseball delivered unto me two tablets of stone written with the bat of Ruth; and on them was written according to all the words, which the Gods of Baseball spake with you on the mound out of the midst of the fire in the day of the assembly.”

That’s right, folks! The spirits of the National Pastime have passed down to me the Commandments of Fandom, that I mayest teach them. Lo:

(1) Baseball is the Game thy Pastime; thou shalt have no other games before Baseball

(2) Thou shalt love Baseball above all teams

(3) Thou shalt honor Baseball’s history and traditions

(4) Thou shalt sustain Baseball’s welfare and perpetuity

(5) Thou shalt take a team, and, once taken, this team shall remain thine forever

(6) Thou shalt loathe the Yankees of the present; thou mayest acknowledge Yankees past

(7) Thou shalt remember thy baseball park, to attend when possible

(8) Thou shalt pursue quantifiable truth and intellectual honesty in thy fandom

(9) Thou shalt revel in The Pastime’s drama and elegance

(10) Remember: Thou shalt loathe the Yankees

The Voting Rights Act, Section 5

<STD: Serious Topic Disclaimer>

In the interest of offering content both didactic and accessible, the following Serious Topic will not include proper source support. This means you shouldn’t believe any of it. If you find the discussion compelling, however, I encourage you to pursue a more demonstrable truth.

One of the more controversial questions coming before the Supreme Court during the upcoming session figures to be the Voting Rights Act—specifically Section 5 of that law. I thought it would be a good candidate for discussion.

First, a review of what Section 5 actually does.

The Voting Rights Act is designed to protect American citizens’ right to vote. This means preventing unfair practices related to the voting process—including the disenfranchisement of minority voters through tricky means (e.g., located polling places in hard-to-reach areas, requiring ID, etc.).

Challenging a law under the VRA usually happens under Section 2. It’s important to remember that there’s no question that most of the VRA is going to be sticking around for a while (and probably forever). Regardless of what the Supreme Court decides re: Section 5, we’ll still have a legal avenue to challenge anything infringing on voting rights.

So what does Section 5 do, then, and why is it controversial? 

The Infield Fly Rule

[Editor’s note: A rudimentary understanding of baseball will help with this one.]

It’s time to talk about the infield fly rule.

I KNOW, guys, that the infield fly rule is about the most stereotypical example of how baseball can be esoteric and impenetrable for those who aren’t hardcore fans. Well, all the more reason to do away with it for good—which is exactly what I propose we do.

First, here it is in all its glory: 

For Gentlemen's Consideration:

See: http://www.fangraphs.com/not/index.php/a-call-for-civility
See also: http://americanphotoarchive.photoshelter.com/image/I0000m5O3cKLXg5E

The Three Heads of Education Funding

<STD: Serious Topic Disclaimer>

In the interest of offering content both didactic and accessible, the following Serious Topic will not include proper source support. This means you shouldn’t believe any of it. If you find the discussion compelling, however, I encourage you to pursue a more demonstrable truth.

Education spending is a controversial topic these days. Part of the reason for this, I think, is that much of the world handles higher learning differently than the United States. I think that education is one of the most valuable things a country can invest in—and that’s a strange position for a conservative like myself to take. But “education” isn’t the same as “university education,” and maybe it’s worth approaching the two differently.

I don’t intend to address the value of mandating education through the high school level (or through age 16, or whatever it is); let’s just assume that because everyone has to get a basic education, it makes sense for the government to fund the education system through tax revenue. I know, I know—this itself is highly debatable, but I think it’s wise to restrain ourselves from hyper-capitalist libertarian “there is no public good” arguments for the moment (even if I kind of like them). 

My Proposal For a New Pitching Regime

I love baseball. It is a game of tradition and history, and I love that, too. But sometimes I think maybe it relies too much on tradition, and managers make decisions informed more by what their habits are than by what the optimal approach is. Pitching arrangements are one of these things. So I’ve thought a little bit about how franchises might improve the way they handle pitching. Here’s the model, and then I’ll discuss it below.

[Note: I’m sure someone else has come up with ideas similar to this in the past; I’ve never read other research on this issue but I’m also not trying to claim this is the first time an idea like this is being presented.]

Current Model

12 total pitchers (five starters, seven relievers)

Starters: Expected to go ~6 innings/game (but as many innings as possible is ideal)

Relievers: Expected to go ~3 innings/game

Each starter pitches once every five games, and relievers pitch as needed (spreading out the workload).

My Proposed Model

12 total pitchers (four long-range, four mid-range, four short-range)